The monitor glowed in the dark studio, a cascade of Met Gala images flickering across the screen. Kylie in a dress that looked like it was falling off. Kris stumbling. Kim looking like a Power Ranger. Katy Perry in a space helmet. And somewhere in the background, the ghost of a party that had gotten entirely out of hand.

“The Met Gala was messy,” the host said, her voice low and steady. “Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner came through with the most basic outfits. Kris Jenner was stumbling and seemed completely out of it, while Kim failed to impress. Katy Perry embarrassed the gala with her bizarre mask performance. And Beyoncé broke the Met Gala rules by bringing Blue Ivy.”

She leaned forward.

“This is everything that happened behind the scenes at the Met Gala. So let’s get into it.”

She started with Kylie. The dress that broke the internet for all the wrong reasons.

“Now, at first I was like, what is going on with this outfit? It looks like a dress that is being taken off of her. I actually feel like we might need to go and censor this for YouTube. And immediately I thought, wait, Demi Moore is here. But no, it’s Kylie Jenner. She just looks a little bit different. I think that the makeup here is kind of aging her a little bit.”

She pulled up a comment.

“She went from twenty-four to forty-two real quick.”

She nodded.

“See, that’s what I’m saying. Going to have to be a no for me. I was very much looking forward to her dress this year. Nothing beats that one year when she was in the purple fluffy look with Kendall.”

She pulled up another comment.

“She looks like Michael Jackson facially. I like the dress, but the makeup ages her. The theme is being lost. And why do her eyebrows look like that?”

She shrugged.

“I mean, sometimes the bleaching eyebrows can be really cute, but sometimes it just goes too far.”

She pulled up the first hinge.

“Kylie Jenner’s dress looked like it was falling off. Her makeup aged her a decade. Her eyebrows disappeared. And somewhere in a mansion in California, Kris Jenner watched the photos come in and started drafting the damage control text. The Met Gala isn’t fashion anymore. It’s a battlefield. And Kylie forgot her armor.”

She pulled up Timothée. The boyfriend who chose basketball over the red carpet.

“Because Timothée Chalamet is in New York, and Kylie and him attended Kim’s little speech for the play that she’s producing. I’m calling BS, but we thought that maybe he would be there. But no, Timothée was not in sight at the Met Gala. Looks like he attended a Knicks game. Which is really on brand for him. I feel like—didn’t he do this last year?”

She pulled up the clip of Timothée at the game.

“It’s kind of standard for male actors to not go to these things all the time. You don’t see George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio. And I think that Timothée thinks that he’s up at that level, which is why he’s probably not here. Almost like he thinks he’s too good for the Met.”

She paused.

“I mean, you guys know how he feels about the arts. Let’s not bring up the ballet gate.”

She pulled up a comment.

“Priorities are on point. Good.”

Another: “He would have looked a mess anyways.”

She shook her head.

“Honestly, his last few looks—like his Oscars look, the all-white was a lot. But it does seem like Kylie and Timothée are thriving. They were seen together at Kim’s event. He was there to support her there, but probably didn’t want to go to the Met Gala. Probably doesn’t want to be photographed. Honestly, it seems exhausting. The last few times I saw him at award shows, I feel like he just looked maybe a little overfilled, maybe a little puffy from the stress. Which I totally relate to, Timothée. Whenever I go through stress, I look like a balloon.”

She pulled up the second hinge.

“Timothée Chalamet chose a basketball game over the Met Gala. Again. That’s not a scheduling conflict. That’s a statement. And the statement is: ‘I don’t need this. I don’t want this. And I’m not going to pretend otherwise.’ Meanwhile, Kylie walked the carpet alone, in a dress that looked like it was falling off, and smiled for the cameras. That’s not a partnership. That’s a photo op.”

She pulled up Kim. The Power Ranger. The missing boyfriend. The mom who showed up instead.

“Now for Kylie’s sister, Kim Kardashian. It looks like her boyfriend Lewis Hamilton also skipped out on the Met Gala and left Kim looking kind of like a Power Ranger. I don’t know why, but this really makes her legs look a lot shorter to me. Maybe it’s the angle or this photograph. I don’t think the look is—it’s just kind of boring, and the hair is a little bit all over the place.”

She pulled up the back of the dress.

“Oh, wait. Is that the back? The back does not—the back looks like JLo walking out of some psych ward. Like that’s a messed-up JLo. Hmm. Interesting choice.”

She pulled up the side view.

“Now, I don’t mean to be going hard on Kim. Actually, it looks better from the side. But I just think that she’s done some of the coolest Met looks—like the time she had the raindrops hanging off. Let’s not bring up the Marilyn Monroe. That was a hot mess. But this is right up there with it.”

She pulled up the Kris detail.

“Many fans were hoping that Kim would be making her red carpet debut with Lewis Hamilton, but it looks like Kim opted to bring her mom, Kris Jenner, instead. I feel like that’s not even her choice. Like, Kris Jenner of course wants to be there.”

She pulled up Kris’s outfit.

“And I don’t know what was going on with Kris’s like—mumu? Is that what you call it? That she was wearing. But it looks like they were trying to match each other. Honestly, I’m so tired of seeing Kris Jenner in boxy suits. So I was kind of happy to see her in this—at least a mumu instead of big shoulder pads that don’t really fit her.”

She pulled up a comment.

“What is wrong with Kris Jenner? I think she just looks kind of relaxed, you know? Maybe she had a little extra drink.”

She nodded.

“Kris Jenner looks amazing. I’m not sure what’s going on with Kim, though. Honestly, I do think that this is great on Kris. Again, the shoulder pads aren’t there, and I think she looks so much better when she doesn’t have a bulky suit that’s just eating her up.”

She pulled up the thread theory.

“And Kris must have seen the doctor before. It looks like she got some threads. Maybe a quick fix to pull up her face before the Met because she wanted to make sure everyone knew that her new face is not slipping. Yes, she definitely got the threads. She can barely even smile. They filled her up, threaded her up, and she’s ready for the Met.”

She pulled up the interview clip.

“Tell me about this look because there’s a story behind this.”

“Yeah. Well, this is an artist. One of my favorite artists, Alan Jones, I’m working with him. So we took his body plates that he started making in the ’60s. And this is actually a mold from a model from the ’60s that we made together, and he painted on top of it.”

“Mom, how do you bring the theme to life for yourself?”

“Well, you’ve met my girls, right? So I just sort of follow their lead. They give me some advice and give me some suggestions.”

“So what are you both looking forward to the most tonight?”

“I don’t know who’s here. There’s a lot of people here. A lot going on. We’ve had a long night.”

She paused.

“Yes, girl. Give us nothing.”

She pulled up the third hinge.

“Kim Kardashian arrived at the Met Gala looking like a Power Ranger, with her mother stumbling beside her and her boyfriend nowhere to be found. Kris Jenner’s face was so tight she could barely smile. And when asked what they were excited about, they said they didn’t know. That’s not a red carpet appearance. That’s a hostage video.”

She pulled up Kendall. The nothing-burger.

“Speaking of nothing, here’s a clip of Kendall Jenner’s look. Kendall, please.”

She pulled up a comment.

“I love that she and Kylie coordinated.”

Another: “Where’s the art?”

She nodded.

“It was the same concept as Kylie. It seems like the dress was supposed to be looking like it’s falling off. There’s molded fake boob. It’s all right. It wasn’t something that really stood out. But I feel like Kendall doesn’t want to be wearing big, bright things. The orange look was really all we’re going to get from her since then. It’s been serving nothing.”

She pulled up the fourth hinge.

“Kendall Jenner showed up. That’s the best thing anyone can say about her look. She showed up. She wore something. She left. That’s not a fashion moment. That’s a payroll obligation.”

She pulled up Hailey Bieber. The boring queen.

“Couldn’t be a Met Gala if there wasn’t a Bieber there. And you guys know Justin Bieber is not down for these kind of events. But his wife Hailey is.”

She pulled up a comment.

“This is one of the most boring and basic outfits at the Met Gala. She has no aura, no vibes, and her ability to always not serve is insane.”

She paused.

“Now, this is again in the same world where they’ve all got these body plates. Like, is that the theme? I didn’t—maybe it is the theme because it’s costume wear. Anyways, I feel like this kind of feels dated just because we’ve seen this molded look a couple years ago. It just seems like I’ve seen this. And she just draped the fabric over, which honestly looks pretty comfortable. I don’t know how the gold thing feels, but everything else looks super comfortable. And I feel like if you’re at the Met Gala, you want to be comfortable too, right?”

She pulled up a comment.

“I still don’t know why these people still step on the Met Gala. Seriously, LMAO. She’s giving nothing. She should have stayed home. Selena couldn’t.”

Another: “Thank God it’s giving cheap Wonder Woman costume.”

She laughed.

“Exactly. And yet here you are talking about her, f—. Don’t lie. You love this look.”

She pulled up Hailey’s interview.

“How you feeling?”

“I feel really good, actually. Most relaxed I’ve felt coming to the Met.”

“Tell me about how this amazing look came to life.”

“Well, this is Saint Laurent, and it was inspired by Le Smoking. The blue classic Yves Saint Laurent blue. But this was molded to my body, which is really cool. So it’s like a real sculpting of my body. And I wanted to do something that felt sculptural and interesting. So this is where we landed.”

She paused.

“I honestly would have thought that Kim’s and Kendall’s and all of their outfits would have been made by the same person because of the plate.”

She pulled up the fifth hinge.

“Hailey Bieber said she felt ‘relaxed’ at the Met Gala. That’s because her outfit required no effort. No risk. No imagination. She showed up, posed, and left. And that’s fine. But don’t call it fashion. Call it what it is: a contract.”

She pulled up Rihanna. The queen who arrived in a coat.

“Thankfully, this year we did not get any viral clips of Doja screaming—” She stopped herself. “But this is Doja, and she was actually very theatrical tonight. I enjoyed the performance of it all.”

She pulled up the barefoot moment.

“Wait, she’s got no shoes on. Did you guys clock that?”

“Without shoes?”

“Comfortable. Very comfortable, but also very vulnerable. You know, I feel like bare feet signifies a humanness, a groundedness. I’m not scared of the floor. I’m not scared of what I’m standing on. I’m standing on it.”

She paused.

“Did she just talk about being grounded at the Met Gala? Like, we’re at an elite party—an elitist party, it’s actually described that way—and you’re talking about being grounded and barefoot? Make it make sense. Is it just me, or is everyone missing the theme this year? Groundedness at the Met Gala. Whatever.”

She pulled up a comment.

“The level of privilege it takes to be able to walk outside barefoot is just wild. I understand the spirituality of this, but the Met Gala is sponsored by Jeff Bezos.”

She nodded.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about. It’s not very spiritual when you’ve got the Amazon billionaire running it. The theme is fashion as art. It’s just weird. How is everything she’s doing grounding? It’s a hypocritical event. There are so many people who work for Amazon who are treated horribly. Shout out to all the Amazon workers. I know some of you guys are watching because there are hundreds of thousands—maybe millions—of you. So shout out to the Amazon workers. We love you.”

She pulled up the sixth hinge.

“Doja Cat walked the Met Gala barefoot and talked about groundedness. The event was sponsored by Jeff Bezos. The same Jeff Bezos whose warehouses have been cited for worker safety violations. The same Jeff Bezos who spent $500 million on a yacht. Groundedness? At the Met Gala? That’s not spirituality. That’s audacity.”

She pulled up Beyoncé. The rule-breaker. The mother who brought her child.

“Say whatever you want about the Carters. Jay-Z is a sketchy man, in my opinion. And you know what? Beyoncé—maybe she’s under his control. I don’t know. But they did look like a beautiful family at the Met Gala. You cannot take that away from them.”

She pulled up Blue Ivy.

“I do think it’s interesting that Blue Ivy is there. She’s fourteen years old. Typically, the Met Gala is eighteen-plus. I believe Elle Fanning was the first one to break that in 2012 when she was thirteen. Don’t quote me. I believe Amanda Seyfried had that same year. But anyways, we had Blue Ivy there. I don’t think it’s an event for children. But you know what? You’re Beyoncé’s child. You’re probably not treated like a normal child. I can’t imagine growing up. I’m just going to pray for all those kids—the Kardashian kids—right now.”

She pulled up Beyoncé’s interview.

“How does it feel being back?”

“It feels surreal because my daughter is here. Blue looks so beautiful. It’s incredible to be able to share it with her. I think she looks so incredible.”

“She looks so beautiful. I’m like, we can learn some red carpet tips from Blue. The way she’s posing—she was ready.”

“She was ready.”

She paused.

“So, B, what are you looking forward to most from tonight?”

“I think it’s really just experiencing this through the eyes of Blue and being able to relax. And for me, I’m wearing Olivier Rousteing, who is someone that’s been so loyal to me. And I’ve done so many incredible iconic looks with him. So it’s really about representing him and celebrating bodies. Just celebrating bodies, all the different bodies—different, juicy, curvy, thin, tall, whatever. Just celebrating whoever, whatever God gave you.”

She pulled up a comment.

“I love that Blue’s always dressed age-appropriately. Thought you had to be eighteen to go to the Met.”

She paused.

“Which again is true. You have to be eighteen, and that is the rule. But of course, when you’re Beyoncé’s daughter, are there rules?”

She pulled up the seventh hinge.

“Beyoncé brought her fourteen-year-old daughter to an eighteen-plus event. The Met Gala made an exception. Because when you’re Beyoncé, the rules don’t apply. But when you’re anyone else, security tackles you at the door. That’s not a dress code. That’s a caste system.”

She pulled up Blake Lively. The settlement. The timing. The PR machine.

“Just hours before Blake Lively attended the Met Gala, she had a settlement with Justin Baldoni. Their lawsuit is over with. They put out this joint statement.”

She read the statement.

“The end product, the movie ‘It Ends With Us,’ is a source of pride to all of us who work to bring it to life. Raising awareness and making a meaningful impact in the lives of domestic violence survivors is the goal that we stand behind. We acknowledge that the process presented challenges—well, you’re telling me—and recognize concerns raised by Blake Lively deserve to be heard. We remain firmly committed to workplaces free of inappropriate conduct and unproductive environments. It is our sincere hope that this brings closure and allows all involved to move forward constructively and in peace, including a respectful environment online.”

She paused.

“Oh, I just know that Blake Lively fought to have that one included.”

She pulled up the commentary.

“Her PR team literally said, ‘Let’s remind people why they love you—your Met Gala outfits.’ And they put her in this after she just finalized her lawsuit against Justin Baldoni today. This is PR. She’s trying to get back with the public. And she does look like a princess. She looks beautiful. It is stunning. She looks like a Starburst. But it is very strategic that that case was settled today, and now she’s at the Met Gala. Very convenient timing.”

She pulled up the eighth hinge.

“Blake Lively settled her lawsuit hours before the Met Gala. Not days. Not weeks. Hours. That’s not a coincidence. That’s a press release disguised as a dress. She didn’t come to celebrate fashion. She came to bury a scandal. And it worked. Because no one asked her about the lawsuit. They asked her about her gown. That’s not a victory. That’s a vanishing act.”

She pulled up the protest. The security breach. The chaos that almost stole the show.

“Speaking of some Jeff Bezos drama, there were some protests. A lot of them are based off of him. I mean, the Met Gala gets a bunch of protests otherwise, but there were people who were trying to storm the carpet at one point.”

She pulled up the clip.

“We got him. It’s really scary. I don’t like it.”

She pulled up a comment.

“Better security than the president. Wouldn’t have happened if they had a ballroom.”

She paused.

“Everyone keeps talking about a ballroom. Is this a political reference? I don’t—what is the reference there?”

She pulled up the ninth hinge.

“Protesters tried to storm the Met Gala carpet. Security tackled them. The celebrities kept walking. And no one stopped to ask what the protest was about. Because at the Met Gala, the only cause that matters is the one you’re wearing. And the only injustice is a bad photo.”

She sat back. The screen cycled through the images—Kylie’s falling dress, Kris’s frozen face, Kim’s Power Ranger stance, Hailey’s blank expression, Doja’s bare feet, Beyoncé’s family portrait, Blue Ivy’s debut, Blake’s Starburst gown, the protester on the ground.

“The Met Gala was a mess,” she said. “It’s always a mess. That’s the point. It’s supposed to be chaos dressed up in couture. But this year felt different. This year, the chaos wasn’t just on the carpet. It was in the lawsuits, the settlements, the protests, the absent boyfriends, the frozen faces, the children who shouldn’t have been there, and the billionaires who shouldn’t have been allowed.”

She paused.

“Beyoncé broke the rules. Kim was drunk. Kris was stumbling. Kylie looked forty-two. Timothée was at a basketball game. Blake settled her lawsuit hours before showtime. And protesters tried to storm the gates. The Met Gala isn’t fashion’s biggest night anymore. It’s fashion’s biggest distraction. And we fell for it. Again.”

She pulled up the final hinge.

“The Met Gala is a circus. But circuses have ringmasters. And this year, the ringmasters were too busy fighting with their exes, defending their photos, and hiding from the press to notice that the tent was on fire. The only ones who didn’t seem to care were the protesters outside—the ones who couldn’t afford a ticket, let alone a gown. They knew what the rest of us forgot: fashion isn’t art when it’s worn by people who treat workers like garbage. Fashion is a costume. And the Met Gala is just Halloween for the one percent.”

She reached for her water.

“That is my Met Gala video. I hope you guys enjoyed this. Let me know what you think in the comments below. And who was your favorite look of the night? I did like Emma Chamberlain’s, but maybe Cardi B. Then that goes to personality. I just think she’s got a funny personality. Yeah, Beyoncé had a great look. I just—I feel like I’ve seen it before. Sorry.”

She set the glass down.

“I hope you guys enjoyed, and I’ll see you soon. Bye, guys.”