Top 10 Funniest ‘Hey Steve’ Moments Including the Woman Who Made Him a Deadbeat Dad
Steve Harvey has seen a lot on his show.
A lot.
But some moments?
Some moments live forever.
These are the top ten funniest “Hey Steve” exchanges.
The ones that made him laugh. Cry. Run.
And in one case, question his entire existence.
Let’s start with the woman who changed his family tree without asking.
Number 10 – The Accidental Father
“Hi Steve,” the woman said.
She was smiling too hard.
That should have been the first warning.
“When my daughter was younger, I used to tell people that you was her dad.”
Steve leaned back.
“What? Where you going with this, lady? I don’t even know you.”
“She took it to heart. Now she’s 17 and she looks just like you.”
Steve’s eyes went wide.
“She look more like you than she does her dad.”
“Ma’am, I ain’t got no more kids. I can tell you that right now.”
The woman pulled out her phone.
“You can show a picture,” Steve said. “But I don’t know you, lady. I ain’t never met you before.”
She showed him the photo.
Steve stared.
His mouth opened.
Nothing came out.
Then he just said, “Oh.”
The audience lost it.
“All my ass,” Steve muttered. “Uh-huh.”
“So with that being said,” the woman continued, “can I continue to tell people that you’re her dad?”
“Hell no,” Steve said.
“You can’t keep telling her that. You tell this girl the truth. Tell her who her real daddy is.”
“But Steve—”
“Now I’m a damn deadbeat dad because of you? Who are you? Why are you on my show?”
“I thought it was a good idea,” she said. “At the time.”
Steve turned to the audience.
“This is the craziest thing that’s ever happened on this show.”
Then he looked at the picture again.
“That is a cute little girl though. We did good.”
“No, we ain’t did good!”
Number 9 – The Grammar Police
“I’m a retired English teacher,” the next woman announced.
Steve looked relieved.
Finally, someone normal.
“I get on Facebook just to grade other people’s posts. If there’s any grammar that’s not right, I grade it.”
“Okay,” Steve said. “Well, you better quit following me then, because your ass gonna have to come out of retirement.”
“I correct you all the time,” she said. “All day, every day.”
“Correct me for what?”
“Family Feud. You say ‘these people wants to win theyselves some money.'”
Steve blinked.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Everything. ‘These people want to win themselves some money.’ Not ‘themselves.'”
“Now you done lost me.”
The audience was howling.
Steve tried to defend himself.
“I don’t know them. They wanna win theyselves some money.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” she said. “It bothers me. It makes my ears hurt.”
Steve stood up.
“I ain’t finna talk no other way.”
“You just said ‘ain’t finna,'” she said.
“I don’t care!”
“But I still love you,” she said.
Steve softened.
“I love you too.”
“But I can correct you.”
“No, you can’t.”
“I can.”
“You cannot.”
“Which one sounds better to you?” she asked. “‘I am broke’ or ‘I is rich’?”
“I’m broke,” Steve said.
“Exactly. Now you’re learning.”
Steve put his head in his hands.
“I need a vacation.”
The English teacher smiled.
“You need a grammar lesson.”
“I need you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving. I drove here myself.”
“You drove here yourself?”
“Yes. I drove here my own self.”
“Themselves,” Steve corrected.
She pointed at him. “Now you’re getting it.”
Number 8 – The Retirement Photo Shoot
“My mother’s retiring this summer,” a young woman said.
“And I thought it’d be a good idea to do a retirement photo shoot with her.”
“That’s sweet,” Steve said.
“The thing is, when it comes to taking pictures, my mother is a complete fool.”
“What do you mean?”
“I brought her here once before. She saw your poster down in the lobby. In front of all those people, she decided to do some X-rated things to you.”
Steve froze.
“Some X-rated things to me?”
“Yes. To your poster.”
“Your mama did what?”
“I need to know how I can get her to take her photo shoot seriously.”
“You wanna do a retirement photo shoot, and she always does this?”
“I don’t care what occasion it is. Funeral, party, wedding. She’s making some dumb face. Doing something stupid in the background. She photo bombed somebody at a funeral once.”
“At a funeral?”
“Yes. The body was laying right there.”
Steve stared at her.
“Maybe that’s her thing. Why you trying to stop her?”
“Because I want one serious picture of my mother.”
“She don’t wanna do them. Yo mama crazy.”
“Yes, she is crazy.”
“People take crazy pictures,” Steve said. “Embrace her craziness. Your mother’s retired. She worked her whole life. If she wants to have fun, let her have fun.”
“But Steve—”
“I can’t help you. This is a new one for me. Nobody’s mother does that.”
“I brought a picture of her doing it,” the woman said.
“You brought a picture of what?”
“Of her assaulting your poster.”
“You bought a picture?”
“No, I brought it.”
Steve’s eyes went wide.
“How nasty was that picture? The lawyers wouldn’t let you show it?”
“They said no.”
“What was your mama doing?”
The woman started to answer.
Steve held up his hand.
“Actually, don’t tell me. I’m 59 years old. This is the first time I’ve felt violated just by a description.”
Number 7 – The First Kiss That Wasn’t
“Steve Harvey,” a woman said, walking onto the stage.
She looked confident.
Like she owned the place.
“I don’t know if you recognize me or not. But you talk about me a lot on your show.”
Steve squinted.
“I don’t know you.”
“Play the clip.”
The screen lit up.
Steve’s voice came through.
“My first kiss was Gwen. I don’t know where Gwen is now, but she traumatized me. I was 11 years old. Riding my bike. She said, ‘Come over here, little boy.’ She was 16.”
The clip continued.
“She threw me up against the garage and kissed me real hard. I was violated.”
The clip ended.
Gwen smiled at Steve.
“That was me, Steve. Gwen Harris.”
Steve’s face went pale.
“Oh Lord.”
“You was riding your bike. You stopped in front of my house. You wanted that kiss.”
“I did not want that kiss. You threw me off my bike!”
“You was running around telling everybody, ‘Ooh, I’m gonna kiss Gwen Harris.'”
The audience was screaming.
Steve was sweating.
“Okay, that’s partly true. There was a bet. Who could do something the craziest. I said I’d kiss Gwen Harris.”
“And you did,” Gwen said.
“You didn’t have to take me off my bike like I was a little punk though.”
Gwen stepped closer.
“I got one last question.”
“Okay.”
“You know I was three years older than you. I kissed that little boy.”
“Yeah.”
She smiled.
“I want to kiss that man now.”
Steve stood up fast.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”
“That’s the moment, Steve. Right now.”
Steve backed away.
“How you doing, girl?”
“I’m doing good. You watching me?”
“I watch you, man.”
“Good. Because I’m watching you too.”
Steve wiped his forehead.
“I need security.”
Number 6 – The Dating Dad
“My daughter just started dating,” a man said.
“She’s 15.”
“That’s young,” Steve said.
“Yeah. But they had their homecoming. My wife took pictures.”
The man held up a photo.
Steve looked at it.
Then he laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe.
In the photo, the dad was standing behind his daughter’s boyfriend.
Holding him in a tight hug from behind.
The boyfriend looked terrified.
“Yeah, that’s how I like it,” the dad said.
“Did he send you a text message?” Steve asked.
“He wished me happy birthday recently.”
“What did you say back?”
“I said, ‘Thank you. I still have the picture.'”
Steve laughed again.
“That boy is terrified. Look at his face. That’s a cry for help.”
“I just wanna know his intentions,” the dad said.
“His intention is to survive,” Steve said.
Then Steve turned to the daughter in the audience.
“Ricarda, come here.”
She walked up slowly.
“You’re very fortunate to have a dad who protects you. It’s good for a boy to know there’s repercussions.”
“But Daddy—”
“No buts. Keep up the good work, man.”
The dad saluted.
The boyfriend, watching from home, probably changed his phone number.
Number 5 – The Death Quiz
“I take all the quizzes on Facebook,” a young woman said.
“Recently I took one that tells you when you’ll die.”
Steve nodded.
“Okay.”
“I put in all my stats. It said I’m gonna die when I’m 91.”
“That’s not bad.”
“So I plugged in all your information.”
Steve sat up.
“What the hell you putting my information into a death quiz for?”
“I wanted to know. Do you wanna know when you’re gonna die?”
“No, I don’t wanna know!”
“According to the quiz, you’re gonna die at 87.”
Steve stood up.
“87? I’m 58. That’s only 29 years left. I need way more time than that.”
“That’s what the quiz said.”
“I’m shooting for 104. I’m gonna push the chips up to the window and cash ’em in at 104.”
“That’s 46 more years,” she said.
“And I’m gonna be a healthy 104. Ain’t nobody washing me or nothing.”
“Why don’t you wanna be washed?”
“Because people don’t know the temperature of the water. I don’t like real hot water. My wife Marjorie, her water be way too damn hot.”
The audience cracked up.
“We got a big two-man bathtub. She says, ‘Come on, baby, take a bath with me.’ I tried that once. That water is unbearable.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you get in the water, you got parts. You try to squat, the first thing that hits that water—”
Steve stopped himself.
“You know what? I ain’t finishing that sentence.”
The audience begged.
Steve shook his head.
“Some things are better left unsaid.”
Number 4 – The Nudie Magazine
“My youngest son left for school and forgot to make his bed,” a mother said.
“So I took it upon myself to make it for him.”
“How old is he?” Steve asked.
“Twelve.”
“Okay.”
“While I was in his room, I found a nudie magazine under his pillow.”
Steve grinned.
“My man.”
“At first I was furious. My first thought was to take pictures of my face and stick them in the magazine. So when he opened it up, he’d see me.”
Steve’s grin disappeared.
“Hold on. You were gonna put your face on all the naked girls’ bodies?”
“Yes.”
“Send your boy into therapy.”
“But Steve—”
“Let me paint a scenario for you. One of his little friends is over. ‘Hey, I got a magazine I wanna show you.’ They open it up. ‘Damn, dog, that’s your mama.'”
The audience was dying.
“You see the problem with that?” Steve asked.
“Yes,” the mother said quietly.
“Does he have a computer?”
“Yeah.”
“I got news for you. That magazine is just for when the Wi-Fi goes down.”
Number 3 – The Eyebrow Critic
“I have a really big pet peeve,” a woman said.
“Involving people with eyebrows that aren’t groomed.”
Steve touched his own eyebrows.
“Anybody who knows me will tell you, if your eyebrows aren’t combed, waxed, straightened, or something, I’m gonna notice.”
“So you’re the eyebrow police?”
“I’m looking at yours right now.”
Steve leaned back.
“What’s wrong with my eyebrows?”
“They’re a little thick.”
“My wife ain’t never said nothing about my eyebrows. We sleep together. She ain’t never said a damn thing.”
“I’m just being honest.”
“Who does this?” Steve asked the audience.
“Who comes on TV to critique a man’s eyebrows?”
“Next time, trim them,” she said. “Clip them. Make them go the right way.”
“I don’t touch my eyebrows. I wake up, I wash my face. That’s it.”
“Well, you should start.”
Steve stood up.
“Listen to me. If you see Steve Harvey doing something to his eyebrows, something has seriously happened to me over the weekend. I’m not that man.”
Number 2 – Finding White Friends
“My husband and I have a lot of friends in our group,” a woman said.
“But we’re looking to add diversity.”
“That’s nice,” Steve said.
“Right now, we only have black friends.”
“Okay.”
“So we’re looking to have more white people in our group.”
Steve blinked.
“You’re looking for white friends?”
“Yes. When our friends come over, they come late. Or they show up empty-handed. We just want to experience something different.”
Steve looked at her husband.
He was nodding seriously.
This wasn’t a joke to them.
“I think friendships have to come about organically,” Steve said carefully.
“But where do we find them?”
“I don’t know. The grocery store? Work? Church?”
“We tried church. Everyone was black.”
Steve put his head in his hands.
“This is the best question I’ve ever had. I’m 61 years old. I’ve never heard anything like this.”
“So you don’t have any advice?”
“I tell you what. I’m gonna have y’all back on the show. We’re gonna get you some white friends.”
The couple high-fived.
Steve just stared at the camera.
Number 1 – The Puerto Rican Honeymoon
“I’ve been married for 22 years,” a woman named Michelle said.
“This is my husband. Wonderful man. Love him.”
“But we’ve had the same fight for 20 years.”
“What’s the fight about?” Steve asked.
“He thinks my family is too involved in our personal business.”
“How involved are they?”
“I come from a large Hispanic family. I brought ten of them with me from Cleveland.”
Steve looked at the audience.
“All them people out there are your family?”
“Yeah.”
The husband grabbed the microphone.
“Uncle Steve, I’ve been outnumbered for 24 years. We’ve never had a fight. We’ve had intense fellowship.”
Steve laughed.
“But listen,” the husband continued. “We don’t do nothing without Puerto Ricans. On our honeymoon—”
“Wait,” Steve said. “On your honeymoon?”
“She brought her grandmama.”
Steve’s mouth fell open.
“There’s a reason,” Michelle said quickly. “We didn’t have any money. We couldn’t afford a nice trip. And my abuela—”
“You didn’t need your grandmama on your honeymoon,” Steve said. “That’s free. You don’t need money for what you were supposed to be doing.”
The audience lost it.
The husband pointed at Steve.
“THANK YOU.”
“But Steve,” Michelle said, “what about happy wife, happy life?”
“What about your husband’s sanity? The man can’t even be alone with you on your honeymoon.”
“We’ve never taken a vacation alone,” the husband said.
“Never been nowhere alone?”
“We’ve been in the room alone,” Michelle said. “But they’re on the ship.”
“I’m not even convinced of that either,” Steve said.
The husband was crying with joy.
Finally, someone understood.
“Michelle,” Steve said. “All your decisions that you run by your family? It’s none of their business.”
“But they’re just trying to help.”
“Somebody taught me something a long time ago. When you get married, you form a two-handed circle. You and the person you married. Don’t ever let nobody in that circle.”
“But Steve—”
“Listen to me. It’s hard enough getting two people on the same page. Once you open up and let six or seven people in, you’ll never agree on anything.”
The husband was nodding so hard his neck hurt.
Michelle sighed.
“I’ll try.”
“No. You can’t try. You gotta do it. He owes you a vacation alone. And you owe him one.”
“Okay,” Michelle said. “I’ll do it.”
The husband hugged Steve.
The audience cheered.
And Steve just shook his head.
“Twenty-four years. This man been waiting on this moment. Somebody hear me? Help him.”
Bonus Moment – The Grand Finale
After all these moments, Steve had one thing to say.
“I been hosting shows. Flying around the country. Putting on suits. The whole damn time, I could have been just eating soup on camera like that millionaire lady.”
The audience laughed.
“But you know what? I wouldn’t trade it. Because these moments right here? These crazy, weird, beautiful moments? That’s why I love my job.”
He pointed at the camera.
“Now subscribe. Because there’s always more where this came from.”
The screen went black.
But the laughs stayed.